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Clinging To Sempiternal BliSs...
5 min read
At certain moments in my term, spring forth sporadical thoughts of pure values. And as I take time to revel in such circumstandce, I find myself in a solemn reflection...
The embers of bitterness remain aglow deep in me as the cycle of fate continuously turns up and down. For whether we concede to it or not, we are but doomed for being the bungee jumpers of the highs and lows of this contstantly quirky life...
Yes, most of us choose to stay in dreariness, as it may seems primordial by nature. We reap the immense fruits of raging despair mainly because we believe they were the only ones we can sow. Now, the truth about being happy in our lives persists, although this maybe considered occasional. While in the rest of our lives, we unconsciously succumb to a more stabbing reality that in order to achieve happiness and to keep it flowing, are fraught with obscurity. As I proceed, I have come to a point or understanding that we undertake pains to aspire for relief, injustice to strive for fairness, boredom to appreciate fun, failure to run after victory, darkness to reach out for the light, hate to yearn for love...
Life therefore is an outright lunacy, wherein everything entails both opportunity and contraints, where one principle contradicts the other, where every laughter follows a tear; thus, the cycle claims its diadem among us...
These thoughts percolate all over me now when I have come to convinced myself that at this point of my existence I am elated. The unexpected but rigorous passion I feel inundates throughout my being...
But then again, I am being snatched backed and locked away in a dungeon with the four horrible walls of remorse, fear, doubts and defiance. They smother me with their thick and sturdy bricks growing bigger as they confront me about the truth...
Is this faith that I have accepted worth all the risks?
Is this parasol of hope strong enough to shade me from the scorching heat of madness in this world?
Is great love that has beset actually exists?
Pursuing happiness and keeping it alive inside are two different things especially when we realize the blocks that abstain us from achieving its glory. We are susceptible to such an ungrateful disposition each time fate strikes a hot rod upon us. And before we know it, we already have barred ourselves from reaching out for hope. Then eventually we sink into our pool of piercing resentfulness, drowning us in pain until we become numb and empty...
But just like this unpredictable swirve of grace, I have surprised myself by coming out into the surface grasping for the precious vital air. I have been down there for innumerable times that I am used of getting drenched, there where its filthy abomination stained my soul. The impending darkness still lurks somewhere with in.
However this pang of indescribable joy throbs in my chest now....
And from there it sleeks its way through every vein I possess....
Initially, I struggled to cease the spread of this hysteria inside me. I thought about the cycle as it turns now on my favorable side. I was reminded that this could simply be episodic--such a false hope!...
Yes, I still felt myself sore but this powerful anodyne came with its hasty cure. And as this joy eventually vanquished me, I found myself resting on the bossom of sweet tranquility. Then I noticed, the dungeon shook and one by one the impending walls gave away. They were marvelously altered: guilt into innocence and pureness of my intentions, fear into such valiance of my heart, doubts into this trust in my humble perceptions and defiance into the submission of my soul to this upwelling goodness...
I can hardly believe how this sudden transition have taken me to an ethereal place of boundless faith not only in others but most especially in my very self. I can't agree more to the reasoning of being worthy of all the love and grace that have touched me. And as I keep a keen eye on this life that has unfolded before me which is not that impeccable ofcourse, but with the favor it has shown me amidst my ghastly past, I can only surrender to all its reverence...
I know for sure that things don't and won't end up like this for I am completely aware of the inevitable threat of that cycle i know. Therefore anytime from now, the complexities of this imperfect world would exhume its plagues once again. By that time I would be thrown back to that old prison where I would suffer in the decandence of a life which have given me no absolute control.
But hold it! I know I would still thrive just like what I did in the past, those times when I was alive but was not living...
No! I don't want any of what I had in my past.
I no longer want to wake up each day with loathing as I gawked upon that life I didn't desire to live in.
I refuse to shut myself out from this light that blinds me.
I decline from these pessimistic possiblities simply because they have always been there.
And since this reverie-like blessing demands more perseverance and faith to sustain it, the struggles in pursuing such grace makes this attained bliss all so rewarding...
So I stay put outside the fortress of my own prison, solid with content...
I yield to this seemingly torrential benevolence, for it's the only thing that makes me feel truly alive...
I offer my intentions to the humblest of endeavours of the hopeful ones like me, which is to love and to be loved...
I stretch out my arms to get soaked in the abundance of its sacredness...
As I claim to dwell and cling to this sempiternal bliss....
The embers of bitterness remain aglow deep in me as the cycle of fate continuously turns up and down. For whether we concede to it or not, we are but doomed for being the bungee jumpers of the highs and lows of this contstantly quirky life...
Yes, most of us choose to stay in dreariness, as it may seems primordial by nature. We reap the immense fruits of raging despair mainly because we believe they were the only ones we can sow. Now, the truth about being happy in our lives persists, although this maybe considered occasional. While in the rest of our lives, we unconsciously succumb to a more stabbing reality that in order to achieve happiness and to keep it flowing, are fraught with obscurity. As I proceed, I have come to a point or understanding that we undertake pains to aspire for relief, injustice to strive for fairness, boredom to appreciate fun, failure to run after victory, darkness to reach out for the light, hate to yearn for love...
Life therefore is an outright lunacy, wherein everything entails both opportunity and contraints, where one principle contradicts the other, where every laughter follows a tear; thus, the cycle claims its diadem among us...
These thoughts percolate all over me now when I have come to convinced myself that at this point of my existence I am elated. The unexpected but rigorous passion I feel inundates throughout my being...
But then again, I am being snatched backed and locked away in a dungeon with the four horrible walls of remorse, fear, doubts and defiance. They smother me with their thick and sturdy bricks growing bigger as they confront me about the truth...
Is this faith that I have accepted worth all the risks?
Is this parasol of hope strong enough to shade me from the scorching heat of madness in this world?
Is great love that has beset actually exists?
Pursuing happiness and keeping it alive inside are two different things especially when we realize the blocks that abstain us from achieving its glory. We are susceptible to such an ungrateful disposition each time fate strikes a hot rod upon us. And before we know it, we already have barred ourselves from reaching out for hope. Then eventually we sink into our pool of piercing resentfulness, drowning us in pain until we become numb and empty...
But just like this unpredictable swirve of grace, I have surprised myself by coming out into the surface grasping for the precious vital air. I have been down there for innumerable times that I am used of getting drenched, there where its filthy abomination stained my soul. The impending darkness still lurks somewhere with in.
However this pang of indescribable joy throbs in my chest now....
And from there it sleeks its way through every vein I possess....
Initially, I struggled to cease the spread of this hysteria inside me. I thought about the cycle as it turns now on my favorable side. I was reminded that this could simply be episodic--such a false hope!...
Yes, I still felt myself sore but this powerful anodyne came with its hasty cure. And as this joy eventually vanquished me, I found myself resting on the bossom of sweet tranquility. Then I noticed, the dungeon shook and one by one the impending walls gave away. They were marvelously altered: guilt into innocence and pureness of my intentions, fear into such valiance of my heart, doubts into this trust in my humble perceptions and defiance into the submission of my soul to this upwelling goodness...
I can hardly believe how this sudden transition have taken me to an ethereal place of boundless faith not only in others but most especially in my very self. I can't agree more to the reasoning of being worthy of all the love and grace that have touched me. And as I keep a keen eye on this life that has unfolded before me which is not that impeccable ofcourse, but with the favor it has shown me amidst my ghastly past, I can only surrender to all its reverence...
I know for sure that things don't and won't end up like this for I am completely aware of the inevitable threat of that cycle i know. Therefore anytime from now, the complexities of this imperfect world would exhume its plagues once again. By that time I would be thrown back to that old prison where I would suffer in the decandence of a life which have given me no absolute control.
But hold it! I know I would still thrive just like what I did in the past, those times when I was alive but was not living...
No! I don't want any of what I had in my past.
I no longer want to wake up each day with loathing as I gawked upon that life I didn't desire to live in.
I refuse to shut myself out from this light that blinds me.
I decline from these pessimistic possiblities simply because they have always been there.
And since this reverie-like blessing demands more perseverance and faith to sustain it, the struggles in pursuing such grace makes this attained bliss all so rewarding...
So I stay put outside the fortress of my own prison, solid with content...
I yield to this seemingly torrential benevolence, for it's the only thing that makes me feel truly alive...
I offer my intentions to the humblest of endeavours of the hopeful ones like me, which is to love and to be loved...
I stretch out my arms to get soaked in the abundance of its sacredness...
As I claim to dwell and cling to this sempiternal bliss....
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QUIXOTIC!!!
3 min read
a conversation with a friend:
" odyssey sweetie, you are too young to search for mr.right..."
" yeah maybe you're right...or perhaps there's actually no mr.right..."
"...only MR. RIGHT NOW..."
BULL'S EYE!!!
---and there it hit me straight unto my head spoiling the preconceived notions i have sought for...
---i feel it...seeping within this ever wretched heart ravaging every heartbeat of my purest affection...
---it sprawled all over me disintegrating my moral fibers...
---yes i ratify therefore that this poison has finally spurtted into my very soul...
i am vexed by my own foolishness of believing that i am up and about to ride on the tides of the most blissful gift of this life---love...
but then again these shackles of my own fears and insecurites hold me back from allowing myself to concede entirely to the inevitable conditions of risking...i find myself again seeking consoltaion within my own prison...
my own prison..."i'm afraid nobody's come yet to bail me out"---this is being depicted in one of my drawings...
then i remember what my newly found friend said on this...and that sometimes others are in actuality unessential in emancipating ourselves from our own prisons...often times...the key to free ourselves lies within our own hands...we...particularly I myself can constantly decide when to leave my own prison and reach out...and yes to love again...
...i assumed that i could certainly break free...that i was willing to dive and even to be totally drenched in anything that would beset me...
but then...as i was about to abandon that prison...something didn't feel right...for the more i yearn to embrace such liberty from my own fears...the worse my trepidations have become...but why?
i looked back...the comfort given by the walls of my prison summoned me again...there i maybe alone but i know i wouldn't get hurt...there when i am constantly confronted that indeed...it's all about lust and interest...and those who have come to me are mere visitors...they... who i consider---the MISTERS RIGHT NOW...
...i desire for something more than lust and interest...i deserve more...but they couldn't provide me with what i truly crave for...
sad to say...MR.RIGHT maybe somewhere else...and worst may never come to find and set me free...
i hesitate therefore to come out for i have sensed such foreboding...because this world is full of atrocity which i myself i verify to possess...
you may call me a coward...or even someone so cold...but this coldness i believe would shield me from the daggers of pains that may wipe out my whole sanity and even my limited bliss...
so for now...i choose to stay locked up inside my own cell...in my own comfort zone...where i am alone yet safe...
" odyssey sweetie, you are too young to search for mr.right..."
" yeah maybe you're right...or perhaps there's actually no mr.right..."
"...only MR. RIGHT NOW..."
BULL'S EYE!!!
---and there it hit me straight unto my head spoiling the preconceived notions i have sought for...
---i feel it...seeping within this ever wretched heart ravaging every heartbeat of my purest affection...
---it sprawled all over me disintegrating my moral fibers...
---yes i ratify therefore that this poison has finally spurtted into my very soul...
i am vexed by my own foolishness of believing that i am up and about to ride on the tides of the most blissful gift of this life---love...
but then again these shackles of my own fears and insecurites hold me back from allowing myself to concede entirely to the inevitable conditions of risking...i find myself again seeking consoltaion within my own prison...
my own prison..."i'm afraid nobody's come yet to bail me out"---this is being depicted in one of my drawings...
then i remember what my newly found friend said on this...and that sometimes others are in actuality unessential in emancipating ourselves from our own prisons...often times...the key to free ourselves lies within our own hands...we...particularly I myself can constantly decide when to leave my own prison and reach out...and yes to love again...
...i assumed that i could certainly break free...that i was willing to dive and even to be totally drenched in anything that would beset me...
but then...as i was about to abandon that prison...something didn't feel right...for the more i yearn to embrace such liberty from my own fears...the worse my trepidations have become...but why?
i looked back...the comfort given by the walls of my prison summoned me again...there i maybe alone but i know i wouldn't get hurt...there when i am constantly confronted that indeed...it's all about lust and interest...and those who have come to me are mere visitors...they... who i consider---the MISTERS RIGHT NOW...
...i desire for something more than lust and interest...i deserve more...but they couldn't provide me with what i truly crave for...
sad to say...MR.RIGHT maybe somewhere else...and worst may never come to find and set me free...
i hesitate therefore to come out for i have sensed such foreboding...because this world is full of atrocity which i myself i verify to possess...
you may call me a coward...or even someone so cold...but this coldness i believe would shield me from the daggers of pains that may wipe out my whole sanity and even my limited bliss...
so for now...i choose to stay locked up inside my own cell...in my own comfort zone...where i am alone yet safe...
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falling again maybe...
3 min read
"to love is to commit suicide..."
it took me several heartbreaks to say this line to other people which is i believe holds an incredible truth about loving...it is said that when you love other people you give them the chance to love you back and even to get hurt by them...you gave them that opportunity to hurt you---goes back to you.......suicide?sure is!!!and when these people hurt you it's as bad as losing your pride and sanity that would prompt you to waste away...and eventually that flame within dissipates...you feel so ugly and useless...and soon be convinced...that you died...
see what i mean?yes they say you are responsible for your own happiness and that you shouldn't seek it in the hands of others but in your very self...however how bad could that be when in truth...others really do make us happy...we may seem happy but believe me...we are freaking social beings ergo we need each other to be happy...and so there it goes...you found someone to share that happiness you have long sought for...then what happens when you lose that person?rapture eh?whatever you may call it...it will boil down to one thing---end...death...finally you find yourself...devoid of happines...of life...
my...my..what am i saying?here i am being cynical about love...why?because love dumped me into despair and sorrow...so i opted not to love anymore..say..i have been through a lot don't want to get hurt in anyway...but hell life is like that it's always full of shit eh?...can't live without pain...but i chose to avoid pain...i wanted to play around and simply meet other people for friendship yeah..and ofcourse for fun...i tried not to get attached...it was great playing safe all these times...no risks..no love..no pain!!!
but what am i saying now again huh?i can't believe that something is still missing...i was happy but not for long...and that it hit me...the sole reason that brought me emptiness is simply the only thing that could fill in this void i feel inside...then i started to contemplate on things...i have met some people..some were really nice others are just assholes...but then can't blame them...this is just how life works...so whether we like it or not...we should deal with it in anyway...and one way is to choose...to have a stand...playing safe is yes a choice however...it will always lead to the regrets of not having done anything at all...this time i get a little bit scared...i wanted to defy this transition that is relatively imminent...but i can't help it...maybe i need to choose now...
maybe yes...i should take the risk...to love...to get hurt...because somehow...there are things that are really worth the risk...i am considering that perhaps...i could love again...even if it entails something painful in the end...well...happy endings are quite far from possible in this so imperfect world...what is important is what i have now...and now...it's incredibly blissful...love?i guess i'm on my way...
it took me several heartbreaks to say this line to other people which is i believe holds an incredible truth about loving...it is said that when you love other people you give them the chance to love you back and even to get hurt by them...you gave them that opportunity to hurt you---goes back to you.......suicide?sure is!!!and when these people hurt you it's as bad as losing your pride and sanity that would prompt you to waste away...and eventually that flame within dissipates...you feel so ugly and useless...and soon be convinced...that you died...
see what i mean?yes they say you are responsible for your own happiness and that you shouldn't seek it in the hands of others but in your very self...however how bad could that be when in truth...others really do make us happy...we may seem happy but believe me...we are freaking social beings ergo we need each other to be happy...and so there it goes...you found someone to share that happiness you have long sought for...then what happens when you lose that person?rapture eh?whatever you may call it...it will boil down to one thing---end...death...finally you find yourself...devoid of happines...of life...
my...my..what am i saying?here i am being cynical about love...why?because love dumped me into despair and sorrow...so i opted not to love anymore..say..i have been through a lot don't want to get hurt in anyway...but hell life is like that it's always full of shit eh?...can't live without pain...but i chose to avoid pain...i wanted to play around and simply meet other people for friendship yeah..and ofcourse for fun...i tried not to get attached...it was great playing safe all these times...no risks..no love..no pain!!!
but what am i saying now again huh?i can't believe that something is still missing...i was happy but not for long...and that it hit me...the sole reason that brought me emptiness is simply the only thing that could fill in this void i feel inside...then i started to contemplate on things...i have met some people..some were really nice others are just assholes...but then can't blame them...this is just how life works...so whether we like it or not...we should deal with it in anyway...and one way is to choose...to have a stand...playing safe is yes a choice however...it will always lead to the regrets of not having done anything at all...this time i get a little bit scared...i wanted to defy this transition that is relatively imminent...but i can't help it...maybe i need to choose now...
maybe yes...i should take the risk...to love...to get hurt...because somehow...there are things that are really worth the risk...i am considering that perhaps...i could love again...even if it entails something painful in the end...well...happy endings are quite far from possible in this so imperfect world...what is important is what i have now...and now...it's incredibly blissful...love?i guess i'm on my way...
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ecstatic!!!
2 min read
today i have been so blessed...
mom called me from home and told me that she's got a surprise for me...
and hell yeah!!!i talked for like 30 minutes over the phone with my college male friends...harold, bobic and kirby...esp kirby who is now back home taking his vacation from his military job in iraQ...
i nearly cried since i haven't talked with these amazing men for almost 2 years...we parted ways after i graduated...huhu...
i remember 5 years ago in university...they were forming a band and were looking for a female vocalist...i was really thrilled when they picked me...well i sang back in high school but i never expected them to pick me amidst the presence of other girls who could sing quite better than me...yet they chose me...inspired me to play guitar...and boosted my self-esteem...if others say i am truly amazing...it's because of people like them...for they have always inspired me to be JUST me...
and yes we enjoyed each others company...being the only girl in the group had been one of the greatest things that can happen to any girl...you could always expect them to be there to kick someone who would bully you around...you would be pleased to have them as the best cheerers for you...they would call me dude or one of the boys...but yeah baby..they always have treated me like a princess...they 're like the brothers i've never had...
today...i also feel really appeased that another old friend called me just previously...we had a fight like 2 months ago and never spoke to each other again esp.when he included me in his blocked list...that was depressing..yet after sometime...maybe the wounds started to heal...and i tried my luck...i wanted to know if i were still block listed...i called...but hell yeah...his phone was ringing....hahaha...block listed?not anymore...then another bonus...he returned my call...and he confirmed...he's so much available for me now...
today...yes..it's ecstatic...friendship as i will always believe...(aside from romantic love)...is the greatest bond that has ever reigned over mankind...it's the most rudimentary thing that holds our hopes up as we live in this world...ergo...though cruelty remains...still compassion also exists and yes...they work hand in hand in this imperfect world...
peace my friends...
mom called me from home and told me that she's got a surprise for me...
and hell yeah!!!i talked for like 30 minutes over the phone with my college male friends...harold, bobic and kirby...esp kirby who is now back home taking his vacation from his military job in iraQ...
i nearly cried since i haven't talked with these amazing men for almost 2 years...we parted ways after i graduated...huhu...
i remember 5 years ago in university...they were forming a band and were looking for a female vocalist...i was really thrilled when they picked me...well i sang back in high school but i never expected them to pick me amidst the presence of other girls who could sing quite better than me...yet they chose me...inspired me to play guitar...and boosted my self-esteem...if others say i am truly amazing...it's because of people like them...for they have always inspired me to be JUST me...
and yes we enjoyed each others company...being the only girl in the group had been one of the greatest things that can happen to any girl...you could always expect them to be there to kick someone who would bully you around...you would be pleased to have them as the best cheerers for you...they would call me dude or one of the boys...but yeah baby..they always have treated me like a princess...they 're like the brothers i've never had...
today...i also feel really appeased that another old friend called me just previously...we had a fight like 2 months ago and never spoke to each other again esp.when he included me in his blocked list...that was depressing..yet after sometime...maybe the wounds started to heal...and i tried my luck...i wanted to know if i were still block listed...i called...but hell yeah...his phone was ringing....hahaha...block listed?not anymore...then another bonus...he returned my call...and he confirmed...he's so much available for me now...
today...yes..it's ecstatic...friendship as i will always believe...(aside from romantic love)...is the greatest bond that has ever reigned over mankind...it's the most rudimentary thing that holds our hopes up as we live in this world...ergo...though cruelty remains...still compassion also exists and yes...they work hand in hand in this imperfect world...
peace my friends...
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drained...
3 min read
well yesterday and today have been draining to me...last night my other filipino exchange students and i went to this barbecue party of our british professor friend in his apartment...we occupied the roofdeck which was over-looking the city of busan, south korea..it was splendid...we never expected that there would be more than 20 westerners who also swarmed the whole place...we were but simply dumbstruck...i was the most out-going among my group and i had several small talks with the other foreigners...and as the night was getting late...i really wanted to reach out and socialize with the rest yet...i don't know...though i have some foreign friends in school yet it was my first time to be surrounded by such a great number of westerners and complete strangers...i felt really bizzare...we went home quite late...
but then when i was just about to go to bed at around 1:15 am...my other female british friend called me up and asked me to get some booze...she needed me she implored...and so i came to her place which is thank God..very close to my apartment...
there in my presence she vented...and to my terror...she showed me her cuts on her wrists..."i wanted to kill myself odyssey but i just couldn't do it..."she sobbed...
i couldn't just leave her...as what she said..she was all fucked up...her life's a mess..she's damn frustrated in her work..family's falling apart...heart has been slaughtered...everything was all depressing...i understood...
i allowed her to express all her hatred and frustrations...and tried hard enough to remind her of all the great things about her...she's such a beautiful woman...in fact i adore her so much and i gather my inspiration from her for she's a superb artist too...i really undertsood how she was feeling...i've been there myself...i can't blame her...this is a cruel world that's really for sure...
for several hours of drinking and venting...she finally stopped and promised me not to do anything prosaic like killing her self again...i really wish she'd be fine...since i know...she could always be a blessing if only people tried to appreciate her...
i got home past 5am...i was really exhausted but i was tossing and turning until 6am this morning...i got up around 9am...i was overwhelmed with all the things i had just encountered...i just really pray that though my life may become shitty...i just really2x pray that i wouldn't resort to anything like taking my own life...life is aint perfect...it isn't and will never be fair,...but for as long as we are living we can always do something about our selves...and that makes life fair enough...life is hell of a party...
but then when i was just about to go to bed at around 1:15 am...my other female british friend called me up and asked me to get some booze...she needed me she implored...and so i came to her place which is thank God..very close to my apartment...
there in my presence she vented...and to my terror...she showed me her cuts on her wrists..."i wanted to kill myself odyssey but i just couldn't do it..."she sobbed...
i couldn't just leave her...as what she said..she was all fucked up...her life's a mess..she's damn frustrated in her work..family's falling apart...heart has been slaughtered...everything was all depressing...i understood...
i allowed her to express all her hatred and frustrations...and tried hard enough to remind her of all the great things about her...she's such a beautiful woman...in fact i adore her so much and i gather my inspiration from her for she's a superb artist too...i really undertsood how she was feeling...i've been there myself...i can't blame her...this is a cruel world that's really for sure...
for several hours of drinking and venting...she finally stopped and promised me not to do anything prosaic like killing her self again...i really wish she'd be fine...since i know...she could always be a blessing if only people tried to appreciate her...
i got home past 5am...i was really exhausted but i was tossing and turning until 6am this morning...i got up around 9am...i was overwhelmed with all the things i had just encountered...i just really pray that though my life may become shitty...i just really2x pray that i wouldn't resort to anything like taking my own life...life is aint perfect...it isn't and will never be fair,...but for as long as we are living we can always do something about our selves...and that makes life fair enough...life is hell of a party...
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